Top ten things every parent should know before going to Disney World

Posted by Joe Cianciotto.

So I just spent a whirlwind four days with Jen and the two nuggets down in Walt Disney World. To add to the insanity my parents met us down there and we even got hotel rooms attached to keep the crazy at a level ten. In those four days we hit the Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Animal Kingdom all at a clip of close to 8-12 hours each day. The fourth day we spent living like homeless people on the resort grounds waiting for our evening flight to depart beautiful Orlando.

It’s funny, as much as you try there is really no preparing for an experience like this. If Hersey Park is drinking from a firehouse, Disney World is like wrapping your mouth around a geyser before it goes off for the first time in a hundred years. Anyway, during my four day tour I picked up some startling insights and knowledge that I feel obligated to pass on to any parent planning to make this trip with young children.

In no specific order below are the top ten pearls I have been able to glean:

10. Do not tell your kids it’s really just a person in the Mickey Mouse suit. As obvious as it seems to you, this will lead to an existential crisis akin to bludgeoning Santa Claus with the tooth fairy’s wand.

9. There are these elongated mosquito/fly hybrids that are everywhere in Orlando. Tell your kids they are just lightning bugs during the day. Sure by day three they eventually catch on but by then it’s almost time to go home.

8. I don’t care if you’re on your last penny, get the fast pass that lets you skip the lines…sell a kidney if you have to…Peter Freaking Pan was a two hour wait.

7. Prepare your children for the fact that they will see many of their favorite characters tattooed on peoples’ ankles.

6. The only way to keep up with your kids at Disney World is probably to do cocaine.

5. Even if your kids are past puberty, rent the stroller.

4. No one loves Disney World more than overweight middle-aged white people. They will steamroll your children for a chance to take a picture with Goofy.

3. Micro-dose your kid’s applesauce with at least three crushed Imodium tablets. They may not go to the bathroom for the next month, but at least you’ll avoid some pretty nasty public toilets and have more time for the rides.

2. With sodas going for six dollars a pop, treat CVS like the grocery store you know it can be.

1. Remember you’re making childhood memories here, wait until you get home to get divorced.

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